[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
You Might Also Like
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
That’s easy for you to say
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.