This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine