When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Chicago sounds lovely.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.