Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
i can鈥檛 believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn鈥檛 shove them up his nose
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you鈥檙e all at church.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we鈥檙e in the middle of a turf war.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You鈥檙e so dramatic.
I did nothing wrong鈥擨 tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
馃く馃く馃く
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Previously On Persistence 馃槑
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can鈥檛 go in the microwave.
How鈥檚 your day
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
馃拃
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”