son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
nice challenge
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?