Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.