Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
That’s amazing.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Same post same
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.