6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to