I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.