How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.