HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!