Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Match dot com, but for socks.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
mathematically impossible
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome