[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant