“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
happy mother’s day❤️
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.