I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
saving face 👀
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.