Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps