“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Baller is short for ballerina
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.