Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Yup

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

normalize having existential bread

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

happy valentine’s day to me

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

😩😩😩

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!