I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
They did not think through this water fountain
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used