who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*