Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
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This 4th of July, please remember…
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket