Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
You Might Also Like
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you