Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.