my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
You Might Also Like
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Why is this me 😫
“I FIXED IT!”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here