Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Just had my nails done!
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school