My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
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[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team