That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
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Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss