Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
my proudest tweet
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”