My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no