families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
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H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.