Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
This is painfully accurate 😅
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.