People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
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Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
🙄😏😂🤣
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself