If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
good work, everybody
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?