Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
You Might Also Like
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
sin harder.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy