KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
You Might Also Like
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*