A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.