When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
This will never not be funny 😭
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.