*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.