8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Sunday
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
real
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess