Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum