No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
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Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
If only.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*