[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL