Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
this chia pet tastes awful
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away