*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
You Might Also Like
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name