Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR