The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.