Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.