The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
dutch is not a serious language
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology