ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
S O O N
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!