My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Perfect
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.